To love without attachments is not to love less or build a weak bond with the loved one.
When we talk about attachments it is common to confuse some other term.
It is not the same the necessary mother-child relationship that is built through that intimate and unconditional attachment with which to promote the growth and proper maturation of the baby.
When we talk about relationships, the word “attachment” implies dependence , and dependence results in the loss of dignity and the destruction of self-esteem.
That depersonalization that we sometimes establish by diluting ourselves in body and soul with the beloved is not healthy, nor justifiable, nor responds to any logic.
Sooner or later frustration, blackmail, emptiness and consequent pain appear.
Next, we suggest you to reflect on 5 basic keys that can help you build a more satisfying, lasting and happy relationship.
1. Avoid being an “affective addict”: say no to attachments that bring pain
The basis of attachment in a relationship is based on a series of very specific psychological and affective processes, as well as complex ones.
- There are people who, above all, need to be loved. Such is the need that they come to confuse control with love, or jealousy with passion.
- Something that we must be very clear about is that the one who truly loves invests time, dedication and efforts in giving happiness .
Love does not hurt Love should be joy , complicity, harmony and growth.
- Affective addicts experience love in the same way that an addict needs their “drug”. No matter the side effects, it does not matter the pain or that slow personal self-destruction.
- We must never reach these extremes. Understand that any type of dependency, whether towards something or someone, depersonalizes us, we stop being ourselves to become a puppet .
2. Detachment is not lack of love: it is love in a mature way
Elena is 28 years old and has been dating Rafael for 3 years. Her life has changed a lot in this time , so much, that she has even stopped going out with her friends, and her professional projects have been parked.
- She does not care, she tells herself that her only concern and her only need is to make Rafael happy. Although, sometimes, missing these exits with friends, talk with them or even his work as a journalist.
- As time passes, Elena wonders if she is doing things right. It is clear that she loves her partner, but feels that she is inside a circle that increasingly oppresses her, leaving her without air.
- What our protagonist should do in this case is not leave Rafael, is “detach” from that affective dependence and learn to love in a mature way .
- Loving someone does not mean leaving aside what we are, or what identifies us. “Leave everything” for someone will make us, sooner or later, feel frustrated.
We must learn to prioritize ourselves, to say “I love myself” and “I love you”.
3. Love has a limit and is called dignity
Love has limits, borders and insurmountable barriers. Having them clear from the start can prevent us from suffering uselessly.
- Self-esteem is an essential limit.
- If they belittle us, ridicule us or make us feel weak, it is not love.
- If they offend our values and do not respect them, we are not in a healthy relationship.
Personal dignity does not allow discounts; It is a root of our personal growth that nobody can and should not tear or harm.
Discover also the characteristics of “toxic” love
4. Beware of childish and egocentric loves
There are people like that, of those who understand a relationship as a source of “self-feeding” with which to fill gaps, with which to appease loneliness and with which to be served and nurtured as the child in need of affection which, in turn, is incapable. to return it.
The relationship of a healthy and happy couple is like a harmonic dance where to give and offer , where to talk and listen, to laugh and to make people laugh, to take care of details, to put needs first and take care and to be cared for.
Immature people are those who put their own needs before those of the couple, who only see their own and hungry universe.
5. Become the person you want to find first
When a person builds a relationship based on attachment it is common for his mental scheme to be governed by the idea of “I am not capable of taking care of myself: without him or her I am nobody”.
To reach these personal extremes is, without a doubt, to skirt an abyss where, sooner or later, we plummet to depression .
Discover the 4 phases that every couple relationship goes through
It is necessary to avoid this type of affective addictions and start an “opposite” path.
Instead of finding the ideal partner, let’s first worry about becoming ourselves that person we want to find:
- Someone who loves himself
- Someone who is not afraid of loneliness .
Become a person without gaps, strong emotionally and full of happiness , joy, motivations and dreams …
Vital foods, all of them that will “nourish” the other person to ensure that both are able to build a future of harmony.
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