Did you know that one of the reasons why we do not express our feelings or thoughts is because of the fear of abandonment? We do not even dare to speak of something that can annoy the other, so that it does not occur to him to go away and leave us alone.
This fear can be linked to a traumatic situation of our childhood or adolescence, or to having been abandoned by a former partner. In any case it is very important to work on it to be able to feel liberated and safe.
The fear of abandonment: when and how it appears
Emotional dependence is a great chain that binds us to another person; in most cases to a couple. And for that reason we feel afraid to leave, to leave us, to forget about us; because we feel that without their presence we will not be happy, we will be empty and there will be no reason to smile.
They have made us believe that we arrived at the world incomplete and that we could only feel full at the moment we found ‘our other half’ . But that romantic myth is a complete lie. We do not depend on anyone to be happy, to feel beautiful or to enjoy life.
The fear of abandonment usually begins in childhood, when our mothers are too attached to us. It is true that the bond with the children is unbreakable, pure and complete, but it can also generate dependence on children. And the worst of all is that it is recorded for the rest of its existence.
Babies often feel anxious or sad when mothers move away from them. This is normal, since they embody safety and well-being. As soon as they return, the children smile and feel comfortable again.
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But in the meantime they believe that they are unprotected, hungry and needy. They have not been taught to be self-sufficient and independent, so that attachment that seems so beautiful is detrimental to their personality.
Why? Because then that child grows up and becomes an adult in need of attention from another person, which is probably a couple .
The fear of being abandoned continues and may be growing, to the point of not doing or thinking about something else. An adult dependent on love and that ‘sense of security’ when in a relationship is more likely to end alone and unaccompanied.
Of course, because no one likes to be ‘anchored’ to an insecure person, without aspirations, without activities, without future goals, rather than doing everything possible to avoid being abandoned … He thus becomes someone toxic with whom he does not feel like share nothing more
How to overcome the fear of abandonment?
It is not a matter of blaming our parents for the way they have raised us, nor for that former couple who left us at the time we were happiest … but for working to heal our ailments and overcome our traumas.
In this way we can be free, independent and full, regardless of whether we are with someone or not. Undoubtedly it is a slow process, with very few changes at the beginning, but with commitment and dedication the objective is achieved.
Do not try to be ‘autonomous’ from one day to the next, because you will not achieve it, and it is not about being pessimistic, but realistic. Take minimal steps and rejoice every time you make a positive change.
As a first step, work on loving and respecting yourself as you are; but also take the opportunity to pamper yourself a bit without waiting for your partner’s approval or permission. It will not leave you because you start thinking about yourself … But quite the opposite! Remember that nobody likes to be with someone dependent 24 hours a day.
Look for activities where your partner does not accompany you: you can go to the beauty salon, dance Zumba or sign up for a cooking course. Even if he can go with you, the idea is that he does not. You need to feel good without his presence.
Nothing stops you: Advice to overcome fears
How long have you been shopping alone, going to the movies or having a coffee in the afternoon? Those can be your next activities! There is nothing wrong with sharing moments with yourself. And also, you can always count on a friend, the one that is always available and will make you smile.
If you usually call him or write him several times a day to tell him how much you love him and that you can not live without him, stop doing it. Reduce those messages to one or two at the most. Take advantage of that energy to concentrate on yourself.
And if despite all your efforts you can not clear doubts and fears, it might be good to seek professional help.
If you are very afraid of abandonment, the best thing you can do is talk to your partner. Tell him what you feel and probably give you several ideas to overcome it, counting on his help, of course. Unlike what you think, talking about it will not take them away, but will unite them, but in a more authentic way.